June 2025 Realmgard Short Scenes: June 27
Dunstana's got a cool new hat.
In the Beer Baron episode of The Simpsons, there's a scene where Homer, buoyed by his success as said Beer Baron, buys a new hat apparently for the sole purpose of pointing out that he has a cool new hat:
And, honestly, getting a new hat just to show people her new hat seems entirely in character for Dunstana.
“Okay,” Dunstana tells the Porthaven Raiders as the ship pulls aside the enemy’s. “Don’t worry, guys. I have a plan.”
“We’re all ears, Captain,” Jimena says.
“We board their ship, and they’ll be so impressed by my new hat that they won’t be able to fight back,” Dunstana explains. “And then we, like, hit them and take their stuff.”
“If I may, Captain,” Jimena ventures. “I don’t see how useful that will be.”
Dunstana rolls her eyes.
“Five marks says it’ll work,” she insists. “You have seen my new hat, right?”
She shakes her head.
“You’re just jealous of my hat, Jimena,” she mutters.
She adjusts her new hat. “Alright, here we go.”
She grins broadly.
“Man, Salvage Thursday is just the best!”
Her grin grows.
“And I’ve got a cool new hat!”
She nods.
“Okay, guys. Let’s do this!”
As soon as the two ships are side by side, Dunstana leaps over the rail and is the first of the Raiders onto the other ship.
“Wow,” one of the enemy pirates says, seeing Dunstana’s new hat for the first time. “That’s a nice hat. He calls to the rest of the crew, “Hey, everybody! Look at that hat! It’s — Gah!”
As the Porthaven Raiders storm the deck of the ship, he his promptly swept away by the avalanche of oncoming pirates. He falls to the deck and dreams of hats.
Dunstana makes her away around the deck, drawing the attention of the enemy pirates to her cool new hat. Mostly, she wants people to see her hat, though she’s also creating a handy distraction for the rest of the Raiders to get the drop on the enemy.
“What are you doing?” the captain of the enemy ship cries, watching his crew just standing there, not fighting back and letting themselves get beat up. “We’re being boarded, you fools! Do something!”
“Well, Captain,” one of his crew members says. “It’s just that their captain seems to be a small child, so I don’t feel quite right trying to fight here. And have you seen her hat? It’s marvellous! I’d hate for something to happen to it.”
“Hmm,” the pirate captain notes, thoughtfully rubbing his chin with his hook hand. “That is a nice hat. Perhaps I should get one of my — Gah!”
“Nice work, Beasley!” Dunstana says, giving her crewmate an eager thumbs-up as she watches her pick up one of the pirates and fling him bodily at the enemy captain.
She frowns.
“I just hope he got to see my cool new hat first…”
Soon, the enemy crew is dispatched, left strewn subdued and groaning all over the deck, though the site of Dunstana’s cool new hat provides just a modicum of consolation.
Jimena watches this unfolding, shaking her head in bemusement.
“Powers,” she mutters.
She heaves a heavy sigh and lashes backwards with her fist to strike the enemy pirate sneaking up on her.
“I cannot believe that worked.”
“You owe me five marks, Jimena!” Dunstana calls down the deck.
So, as established in Captain Goblinbeard, Salvage Thursday happens once a month and is not-quite a competition and not quite a war game for the pirates of Porthaven, with the stated goal of fighting it out for any salvage in Porthaven's territorial waters.
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