June 2025 Realmgard Short Scenes: Day 4
While you were studying the blade, I was writing short stories…
Today's scene features Kat, Dunstana, and their father Dorian.
“Um, Dad,” Dunstana notes as a second ship pulls up alongside theirs. “I think we’re being boarded.”
A lone figure in a billowing cloak leaps onto the deck.
“Dorian Darkstone,” the newcomer hisses. “We meet again.”
Dorian groans. “Oh, geez. This guy. He’s the worst!”
Kat and Dunstana stare blankly at their father.
“He calls himself Eckbert von Schwertmögend,” Dorian explains. “The Brotherhood has a running wager on whether that’s his real name…”
“Finally,” Eckbert von Schwertmögend says. “I shall avenge myself against the Brotherhood for all the humiliations and indignations you’ve heaped upon me!”
He narrows his eyes at Dorian.
“And I’ll start with you, old man!”
Dorian groans. “Is that about that time at the Brotherhood meeting that I called you an obsessive little creep who needs to himself a girlfriend?” he asks. “I said I was sorry.”
He thoughtfully touches he chin.
“Oh, wait,” he realises. “No, I didn’t. In fact, I stand by every word I said, you obsessive little creep. Put that thing done and try to talk to a woman once in your life. Heck, just ask and I’ll put in a good word for you with Natalia Six-Knives. She likes swords!”
Eckbert von Schwertmögend draws his sword.
“While you grew fat on your ill-gotten gains, I studied the blade.”
He takes a step forward.
“While you became content in your lazy complacency, I studied the blade.”
“Neeeeeeeeerd,” Dunstana calls at him.
“While you were studying the blade,” Dorian counters, “I was sleeping in a big, comfortable bed with my wife.”
Eckbert von Schwertmögend pauses mid-stride.
“While you were studying the blade, I was making friends and business connections,” Dorian continues. “And, you know, just being a generally well-adjusted person.”
The swordsman blinks in surprise. He lowers his sword a little and clears his throat indignantly. “But look how cool my sword is!” he protests. “The metal’s all wavy and everything! This is genuine Pelayan steel. The blade’s been folded over itself—”
“Neeeeeeeeerd,” Dunstana calls at him.
“And,” Dorian concludes. “While you were studying the blade, I was teaching my daughters how to fight to win. First lesson, chief: no-one cares about your backstory in the middle of a fight.”
During the back-and-forth, Kat has been moving into the position behind him. Ceasing her opportunity, she unleashes a stiff, unsportsmanlike kick.
“You honourless cur,” Eckbert von Schwertmögend groans as he crumples to the deck.
Dorian rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “It’s like I’m a pirate, or something,” he says, heaving a sigh.
He nods to his daughter and gives her a tip of his hat.
“Nice work, Kat.”
“Yeah, well. While he was studying the blade, I was studying how to kick people,” she says.
“Dad,” Dunstana asks, eagerly tugging on the hem of her father’s coat. “Are we still in the territorial waters of Porthaven?”
Dorian nods.
Dunstana gleefully runs forward towards the prone and groaning Eckbert von Schwertmögend. “Citizen’s arrest!” she cries, leaping onto his back and restraining his arms. “Citizen’s arrest!”
Today's scene is basically Memes All the Way Down. "I Studied the Blade" is a popular way to mock sword-obsessed tryhards on the Internet, and the swords in question are almost invariably Japanese) — though, for what it's worth, Eckbert von Schwertmögend's is Pelayan, which is Realmgard-Spain, which is a reference to the fact that Spanish steel and swords, particularly from Toledo, have historically been held in high regard.
"I Sleep in a Big Bed With My Wife" is a Simpsons quote that has become a meme in itself — which, admittedly, a lot of Simpsons quotes have.
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